A few days ago, my little dog Simon, whom I had for 16 years, passed away. He was everything to me—my friend, companion, and support buddy—and he provided me with unbelievable, unconditional love. I miss him deeply, but at the same time, I feel truly blessed as I navigate through my grief.
Since my blogs primarily focus on neuropsychology and mental well-being, I want to take a moment to explore what happens in our brain and nervous system during the grieving process. This helps me move through my own pain. Although this discussion is centred on the loss of pets, it also applies to the grief we experience from losing our beloved human companions.
The Disoriented Grief Brain
Losing a pet is not just about saying goodbye to a beloved companion, this is painful enough. But it’s also about adjusting to an entirely new daily reality.
From the moment we wake up, our pets shape the rhythm of our day. Whether it’s the anticipation of morning greetings, preparing their meals, going on walks, or simply feeling their comforting presence as we move about our home, their routines become inseparable from ours. For some of us, it is even the reason we hurry home.
After their loss, these once-automatic habits suddenly feel empty. You might instinctively
reach for the leash, expect to hear the sound of paws on the floor, or glance at their usual resting spot, only to be hit with the painful reminder that they are no longer there. Even the smallest, seemingly insignificant moments—filling their water bowl, hearing their collar jingle, or feeling them curl up beside you—leave a noticeable absence. This disruption can make grief feel relentless, as constant reminders appear throughout the day, making it difficult to escape the pain.
For me, the biggest brain shifts are not having him waiting for me as I come in the door, not looking out for him as I get up from the couch, not having a companion escort me around the home, not feeling his body next to mine as I sleep, and not having a loyal walking buddy.
Why the Brain Struggles to Adjust
Our brains are intricately wired for pattern recognition and habit formation. When we engage in repeated experiences—such as feeding our beloved pet at the same time each day or listening to their familiar sounds—our brains create robust neural pathways. These pathways not only reinforce our behaviors but also deepen our connections to those moments, making them an integral part of our daily routine. This is why routines with pets become second nature; they are deeply ingrained in our daily functioning.
When a cherished pet passes away, the deep emotional pathways created throughout their life do not vanish instantly. Instead, the brain continues to expect their presence, anticipating seeing them curled up in their favorite spot or waiting for a treat. This longing can manifest in various ways—perhaps you hear certain sounds, feel an imaginary weight leaning against your leg, or instinctively check their food bowl, only to be struck by the heart-wrenching realization that they are no longer there. The brain essentially undergoes a gradual process of adjustment, requiring time to rewire itself, learning to navigate a world without the comforting presence of a beloved companion who once filled each day with joy and companionship.
This neurological delay can significantly intensify the disorienting experience of grief. It’s not merely an emotional struggle; it involves a complex cognitive process of unlearning behaviors and thoughts that once felt instinctive and automatic. As individuals navigate this challenging terrain, their brains must rewire neural pathways, leading to the gradual emergence of new patterns of thinking and feeling. While this adaptation process is essential for healing, it requires time and patience, as the journey from familiar comfort to an uncertain new reality is rarely straightforward or easy.
Coping with the Adjustment – How to Navigate the Loss
The loss of a pet isn’t just about their physical absence—it’s about the disruption of a way of life that was built around love, companionship, and routine. Every pet-owner relationship is unique, but what remains constant is how deeply our daily rhythms become intertwined with their presence. Understanding both the neurological and emotional aspects of this loss can help us be more compassionate with ourselves as we navigate this painful transition.
Acknowledge the Changes
Recognizing the ways in which your daily life has been altered is an important part of healing. The absence of the small, familiar moments can feel overwhelming. These disruptions are not just painful; they are a natural part of the brain’s adjustment process.
At first, these missing pieces may feel unbearable. I know I still instinctively reach out to pet my dog as he used to lay on the couch beside me, only to be met with a wave of grief when I realize there was no one touch. I have also found myself going grocery shopping for foods that need to be adapted for his taste and preference, forgetting that my dog was no longer there to enjoy my selections. These automatic behaviors aren’t signs of denial or weakness—they’re reflections of the deep love and routine that existed.
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
The sudden absence of familiar routines can be disorienting, leaving a sense of emptiness in even the smallest tasks.
Grief is not just about missing them; it’s about the emotional weight of adjusting to a world without their presence. When I acknowledged that this was part of the process, I didn’t feel so alone or so overwhelmed with feeling that I won’t improve.
Many people struggle with feelings of guilt—guilt for not noticing their illness sooner, for wondering if they made the right decisions about medical care or euthanasia, or even for feeling like they’re “overreacting.” But there is no “right” way to grieve, and no timeline for how long it should take. Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise—sadness, frustration, even moments of peace or relief—and know that each feeling is valid.
When people reach out to support you, reach back! Don’t feel that you need to go through this alone, don’t minimize your suffering because it was a pet and not a human. Share your stories with those that show interest. And what I have found particularly comforting is finding other Dog-parents that have lost a pet to help you navigate this overwhelming process. Shared loss can be a wonderful way of honouring your precious pet.
Create New Rituals to Honour Their Memory
One of the most healing things you can do is to create new rituals that honour your pet’s love while helping you adapt to their absence. These don’t have to be elaborate; sometimes, the simplest gestures hold the most meaning. Trust your own instincts as to what would feel right. Trial and error may be necessary.
Balancing the Nervous System: Movement as a Tool for Regulating Grief
Grief has a way of sitting heavy in the body. The absence of a pet can bring a deep sense of stillness—those daily movements and interactions that once brought structure and purpose to the day are suddenly gone. Grief can dysregulate the nervous system, leading to states of hyperarousal (feeling anxious, restless, or overwhelmed) or hypoarousal (feeling numb, disconnected, or exhausted). Engaging in movement—such as walking, stretching, or even mindful breathing—can help restore balance.
For those experiencing hyperarousal (such as anxiety, restlessness, gentle movement like walking, yoga, or deep breathing can help calm the nervous system, reducing anxiety and emotional overwhelm.
For those in hypoarousal, physical activity can stimulate energy and engagement, helping to break through emotional numbness and reconnect with the present moment.
By intentionally choosing activities that match your emotional state, movement becomes more than just a distraction—it becomes a way to actively regulate grief and support emotional healing. I have walked about 20,000 steps a day since Simon passed away.
Be Patient with Yourself
It takes time for the brain to adjust to a world that no longer includes the physical presence of your pet. At first, moments of automatic reaction—like calling their name, expecting to see them in their usual spot, or feeling their absence in your routine—will be frequent and painful. But as the brain gradually rewires itself, these moments will lessen.
It’s important to remember that adjusting doesn’t mean forgetting. The love you shared with your pet doesn’t disappear with time; it becomes part of you in a different way. You will always carry them with you, not just in memories, but in the ways they shaped your heart, your habits, and even the way you move through the world.
In time, you may find yourself smiling more at their memory than crying over their absence. But until then, be gentle with yourself. Healing is not about “getting over” their loss—it’s about learning how to carry their love forward in a way that brings comfort, rather than only pain. I look forward when this happens for me.
In Honour of Simon Burns, 2009-2025
Forever grateful for you, Simon, my little buddy. You were pure love in the form of a long-haired Chihuahua, a tiny soul with a heart far bigger than your size. Your love was unwavering, gentle, and healing in ways I never expected. You gave so freely, with no expectations—only warmth, loyalty, and the sweetest companionship.
Your presence was a gift, a constant source of comfort and joy. You had a way of making everything feel lighter, simply by being near. There are no words to express how deeply you were loved, but more than anything, I hope you knew how much your love meant to me. It was a love that filled spaces I didn’t know were empty, a love that will stay with me always.
As you took your final breaths, the only words that came were, “thank you, thank you, thank you.” Thank you for your love, for your sweetness, for the way you made life better just by being in it. I was so incredibly lucky to have had you—even for a little while.
XOXO
Amanda
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